Classy or Trashy?

My kids have autonomy in deciding what they want to wear. I have veto power.

They are pretty good about following our three rules: 1) it must come down to your knees or you have to wear leggings, 2) it must cover up your boobs and not fall down, and 3) you must wear sleeves to school (strappy dresses are fine for summer fun but not for school without a shirt under it or a sweater over it). The kids know that belly bearing is not allowed, but they don’t have any clothes where that would be an issue. The length, however, is constantly a challenge because my kids seem to grow an inch a day.

Usually my veto power is used because of seasonality. No flip flops in winter, no rain boots on a sunny day (most of the time), and, for Abby who loves her “fluffy coat”, no coat when it’s not cold out. They do a great job with it.

I think it’s important to let the kids express themselves. Who cares if, like today, my oldest goes to school in a t-shirt with glittery pink hearts, a maxi skirt with every color on it except the pink in the shirt? Abby thinks cowboy boots go with everything. So do a lot of adults though, where I’m from. J As long as they are covering up and wearing something that they won’t freeze or burn up in, I send them off to school. In fact, today when a teacher commented that Briana was certainly colorful, she twirled around proudly in her maxi skirt and said, “I know! This outfit is sooo cute on me!” with a big smile on her face. That pride, borne not of how cute she looked, but of the fact that she created the outfit herself and it got “complimented”, is way more important than a matching outfit to me. I’m sure that shows as we walk the hallways of school next to some perfectly pressed and matching classmates.

Now that summer is coming and new wardrobes are needed I thought it was time to talk with them about the rules of dressing and see what they are thinking on the topic. I’m a firm believer in constantly staying abreast of what my kids are thinking about pretty much everything (especially now, when they will actually tell me) and I’m hoping that our open dialogue on potentially sticky subjects (like today’s ‘why we don’t dress inappropriately’) will continue right through those dreaded teen years.

As far as dress code, summer is a unique challenge because shorts get shorter, straps get thinner, and shockingly at my kids’ 4 and 5 year old age, bellies get bared (and sadly, no, I don’t just mean in bathing suits. Check out your local kids clothing store :/). So today we set out to define and sort clothes from a magazine into classy and trashy and talk about why things go into each pile.

Briana loves my magazines so as soon as I say she can get my InStyle she is happy. Abigail loves ripping and cutting paper and the smile that goes across her face when I tell her that just for today she can rip up Mommy’s magazine is priceless.

For the record, I have to applaud InStyle magazine. I expected to have a lot of trashy items (as defined by wearable for a preschooler) and we were pleasantly surprised by the number of classy items we found, even in the editorial pictures and advertising parts.

What is Trashy?

First I define classy as being something you think you can wear to school or church.  Briana clarifies, “So if it’s ugly, it’s not classy.” So I further define classy as something that someone could wear to school or church, even if you wouldn’t wear it because you don’t like the color, pattern, or style. I tell them that when we get dressed we always want to look classy. I hold my breath for the difficult question of why, reinforcing in my head that I am not going to tell them things about the sexualization of women and I'm going to stick to personal expression, confidence, and being respectable, but I don't get the "why"question. They easily accept that we are trying to dress in a way that looks classy.

I define trashy as something that is inappropriate to wear anywhere. I am assuming that as we go we will come up with new categories and the items that are not immediately classy or trashy are the ones that I especially want us to talk about.

We start by talking about what makes something go into the trashy pile. “Bellies sticking out for sure.” Briana says. She’s been begging for a bikini that she’s not getting so she has apparently figured out that rule now. What else? “No booba boobas showing,” says Abby. “No too short shorts,” adds Briana. I add a new one that I know is going to come up a lot (having screened the magazine before we started). “What about if the clothes are see through?” I ask. “No showing panties!” squeals Briana, adding “Why would you buy clothes you can see through?”

The kids make a list of what would put something in the trashy pile:

*No bellies

*No boobas (breasts…they’ve been told the right word, but boobas stuck)

*Not too short

*No dirty clothes

*Not too much makeup (which surprised me, because I don’t think we’ve ever talked about that)

*Not too much jewelry (also a surprise addition)

*No footies or pajamas

*No bathing suits or gymnastics leotards

We realize that we need a pile for things that are “ok only sometimes”. That’s where we put the first thing we see in the magazine, a woman wearing sports clothes that cover her midriff. Pajamas and athletic wear go into this category.

Going Through the Magazine

As we tear out pictures I hold them up and the kids vote. It is interesting that they don’t quite agree on everything. For example:

Abigail thinks this dress is trashy because you can see through it. Briana thinks it’s classy because “you can just see another dress under it. Not panties! And the underneath dress is classy because it is long enough and no boobas show”. We debate for a while, but no one budges. I use this opportunity to tell the kids that you have to think about that. Even if you think something is ok, when you go out, someone else might think you look trashy and we never want to look trashy. I also take this time to say a silent prayer that the kids don’t go to school and call someone trashy. This dress makes us create a new pile, which we call the “questionable pile” for things that could go either way.

Abigail is quite conservative, which is pretty much true to her personality. Briana likes fashion quite a bit (she aspires to be a fashion designer and own her own boutique) so she is willing to give more leniency.

We have lots of good debates. There are a few dresses that are classy in the front, but the whole back is out. The girls compromise and if only a little back is showing, like a back keyhole, it’s still classy, but if the back is plunging “almost to the panties” it is trashy.

Abigail also hates high high heels. Not a typo, small high heels are fine, but if they look too high, it’s trashy. She compromises with her sister angrily by tearing the high heels off of one dress and putting the shoes in trashy and the dress in classy.

I don’t mention it to them today, but the girls seem to intuitively understand suggestive looks and put them in trashy even if the clothes themselves were fine. On one occasion someone was wearing a just below the knees black dress but sprawled on a bed and the kids immediately put it in trashy unanimously. I asked why and they stared. It’s too short (but it wasn’t), then it is too small (tight, maybe?) and she has on way too much makeup (she has a neutral lip and dark eyeliner) so I let them put it in trashy but it was interesting to see that they were grappling with why that picture looked so trashy even though it followed the rules.

New Considerations

As we go lots of other topics came up.

*Size- There were a few other things that were “too small” or “too tight” and we decide that they are trashy even though they otherwise follow the rules.

*Sleeves- Sleeves are quite confusing. Is asymmetry trashy? Sleeveless? We decide that as long as your boobs stayed in even if you bent over to get something off of the floor at school, those are all ok.

*Underwear- This issue of InStyle had a section on lingerie. I tell the kids that you can wear pretty panties and bras and still be classy, as long as no one sees them. Those are just for you to know. I’m sure my mom would kill me as I recall many a discussion on not wearing slutty lingerie whether or not someone saw it, but I disagree with her theory that if you have something cute on underneath you will want to show someone. I’m sure we’ll revisit this discussion many times and maybe when the choice isn’t Dora vs Lalaloopsy vs Princesses on the underwear my feelings will change.

*Bathing Suits- I told the kids that while most bikinis are not trashy for a grown-up, they are for a kid. My husband is adamant on that one so I enforce it. Tankinis toe the line. We’d prefer they not wear them, but since my inlaws bought them some tankinis for the summer, they can wear them from time to time, but never to school (they have swimming at school) or camp swimming. Tankinis go into our special occasion pile with one pieces. The kids don’t like side cut-outs or plunging necklines so we easily put those with the bikinis in the trashy pile.

What About Our Friends?

I ask the kids how they will decide in the mall or store if something is classy or trashy. Briana says, “Just try it on and see,” and that pretty much sums it up.

Briana asks what to do if a friend doesn’t like her outfit. I tell her to ask herself if the outfit is classy. If it isn’t, change. If it is, ask yourself if you like it. If you do then you don’t have to care if your friends don’t like your clothes. Just like they don’t have to care if you think something they are wearing isn’t “your favorite”. A lot of picking your own clothes is defining your own personality. I give the example of Abby’s boots. Bree never wears her boots. Abby never takes hers off. So Briana doesn’t like boots, but Abby still looks cute in hers. It’s just a difference of personality and that’s a good thing.

We finish up and clean up while talking a little about peer pressure because Briana asks if she should tell her friends when they are being trashy. That’s a complicated question actually. I tell her that you don’t want to hurt your friend’s feelings, so you don’t call her or her outfit trashy. You can offer to help your friend by sharing your backup leggings if her skirt is too short or a backup sweater or shirt if her boobas are showing (all of the kids keep backup outfits at school in case they get messy or have an accident or anything) or you can tell her that you should both change into your backup outfits for fun so your friend won’t feel left out. I also tell her that when she gets older and she’s shopping with her friends she can tell them that she thinks something is too short or whatever and help her friends make good choices and hopefully they will do the same for her.

Happy, Classy, Memorial Day Shopping!

<3 Pedigreed Housewife