People in Card Houses

As much as I dream that my kids become the next Olympians, I’m also a scientist well versed in genetics, and as such I realize that they are unlikely to be professional athletes. Not they cannot, or will not, but it is unlikely. As the kids get involved in more and more challenging sports there are many life lessons they are learning though. The girls’ coaches work with them on teamwork, commitment, working hard and practicing to get what you want, and all of the hand-to-eye skills that are necessary for their sports. So as they get exercise and new friends and impressive skills, I want to make sure that they are also learning grace in defeat or victory, courage under pressure, and strategies for handling frustration - you know, the takeaways that will stick with them long after they’ve forgotten who in their class made varsity.

This weekend Briana went to Nationals in her sport and we had a great opportunity to talk about being courageous when you’re nervous, and trusting your coaches and yourself. We talked about congratulating the other teams and saying “good luck” to them before they competed. We also talked about her smiling and clapping when they announced the winners, and waiting until we are somewhere private to cry if she did not win. And God smiled down on us and we did not have to put that last one into practice because...she won first place. Woo hoo!!

Though I am probably the proudest Mommy ever over her win, I did want to do something this week to work on dealing with frustration.

And what is more frustrating than trying to build a card house?

So I decide to show the kids how to build a small, two-story card house. Somehow I manage to build a two-story house pretty quickly and it looks easy to the kids. As I place the last pyramid on top and the kids squeal, the whole thing falls over. The girls grab at the cards to try to build their own, talking eagerly about how theirs will be twice as big as mine. Four stories, no ten. Theirs will never fall over like poor Mommy’s did.

So they grab two cards…and the two cards don’t immediately stay up. Abby is skeptical and stops for me to assure her that this is not an April Fool’s trick.

At first, they are excited. This is going to be a little bit harder than they thought and they are quick to rise to the challenge. Patiently they try again. Abby gets her first pyramid and starts on the second.

Both fall over. (I have a great pick of Abby’s shock when her first pyramid fell, but since I just decided to not post a pick of Briana getting frustrated, I’ll spare Abby her pic too.) Then she gets a small house up.

  

Now Abby has succeeded partially (it crashes as she tries to add the pyramid on top) and Briana hasn’t at all. Anyone with siblings understands where this is going. The baby sister is not supposed to get things like this before the older and frustrations sets in. As Abby switches cards and gets another house up, Bree is not a happy camper.

But to Briana’s credit, she doesn’t crumble. She’s been working on controlling her tear ducts and her hard work in that area shows. I stop them both and ask if they are frustrated. Both are, but neither are "that" frustrated. No one wants to quit, so we soldier on.

Briana decides that her cards need more stability so she uses a nearby dry erase eraser to brace her pyramid and it works pretty well.

We try turning the cards and talk about how putting the shorter side vertically make the cards more stable.

Abby tries using more cards because she has the steady hands of a surgeon and gets two pyramids up regularly but putting the top on usually ruins it (mostly because she stands in her chair and leans over it and bumps it all the time). That works a little bit too, and Abby loves her “one man house”.

Finally we have some successes!

We spend much longer than I had anticipated in silent concentration as we work on our houses. I almost get a three-story house up and the kids pull the tablecloth and laugh as it crashes. Said another way, I get to work on not being frustrated too today.

As we clean up the cards we talk about what we can do when we are frustrated. Here’s what the kids say:

“Just tell mom and keep on practicing” – Abby

“Sometimes I go to my room to get relaxed” – Briana

“Tell mom to find something more fun to do like going outside and playing and swinging and sliding and…” – Abby

“Talk to Mommy about it” - Briana

I keep asking them if there’s anything else we can do when we are frustrated, but the kids seem to think there are basically four options: 1) suck it up and keep trying, 2) talk to an adult, usually me, 3) take a short break from the frustrating situation by physically leaving, or 4) go do something else.

Interestingly, Psychology Today says pretty much the same thing that my kids intuitively know, if not always act on. The key to helping kids with frustration is to do something else. Basically, according to the blog post linked below, the negative emotional cycle goes from frustration to anger to despair and once you’ve moved into anger or despair your thinking is too clouded to actually improve the situation and even motor functions can be impaired. After removing kids from the situation for a while you can go back and make sure they understand the source of the frustration and then attack the goal again or set a new goal. I’d love to further summarize this post, but really I think it is so worth the read that I will refrain (look at me and all of my restraint today).

Please read this: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-power-prime/201009/parenting-frustration-in-children-aarrgghh

This one is pretty good too and is along the same lines. I like that they talk about giving three options to kids after they’ve calmed down and identified the problem – talk about it, get help, or slow down and persevere. That’s very similar to the options I am constantly giving Abby as she tries the tricks that Briana can do. On many occasions she is simply too short to, for example, do a back handspring over the Smarter Spotter we have. If we prop her up on mats (as is suggested by the manufacturer in case you were worried), she can do it quite well, but she gets frustrated that she can’t do it like Briana does. So first we stretch or do a trick she can do (especially one of the ones she can do that Briana cannot) or have a snack and then I tell her we can stop altogether and do something else, because thankfully we aren’t at an age where she needs to practice so we’re just doing it for fun, or we can start back handsprings or walkovers again but she either needs to let me spot her or be propped up. Sounds easy but trust me, accepting Mommy’s help or using the mats to prop her up “like a baby” (and find me a baby doing handsprings :/) is very frustrating to a 4 year old. Usually after a break she’s happy to go back on her incline mat and do her bridge kickovers (“with no Mommy help!”) next to Briana practicing handsprings.

http://www.effectiveparenting.org/tips1.asp

Stay calm and soldier on!

<3 Pedigreed Housewife