Preschool Privacy

While I was hanging out with some of my friends, one of my friends mentioned that her nanny taught her girls the following song. 

“Stop! Don't touch me there.

This is my private square.”

While singing the song she made a square from her shoulders to her knees.  The song is intended to teach the kids about personal space boundaries.  Just typing this much is making me squeamish already and my first thought was that there was no way I wanted to touch this topic with my kids this early.   It’s not just that I don’t want to talk about private parts with my kids; I more worry about them asking me why because I hate to give the children answers like “I’ll tell you when you’re older.”  At the same time, I don’t have a good answer as to why someone can’t “touch me there” for my 2- and 3- year olds.  Ug!  I reflected on it for a couple of days and late Sunday night I decided that it is part of my job as a parent to teach my kids everything, even the things I’d rather not talk about, and I emailed my friend and asked her for the lyrics to their song.  If the kids ask me why, I’ll be honest and direct – “because those parts of your body are private”.  It took me a while to come to this realization, but - answering questions and initiating a tell-all are not synonymous! 

When I became a parent I decided that when the time came for discussing things like going to the bathroom, I would stick to the facts and use the correct anatomical words for things.  There would be no “ Going Number 2” in my house when we could say defecate or have a bowel movement!  As such my kids should be saying, “I urinate in the toilet.”  Instead we say, “I pee pee in the potty.”  We call breasts “boobas”, which never should have happened considering that they first needed a name when I started breastfeeding Abby.  Why did I tell Briana that Mommy’s milk comes for the baby from her boobas and it’s called breastfeeding?  It would have been more straightforward to say breasts since I’d already called it breastfeeding, but I cringed and picked a more kiddie sounding word.  I don’t even know where “boobas” came from.  We have other euphemisms as well.  We have “girl bits” and Daddy has “boy bits”.  Babies come from their Mommy’s “belly”.  How did they get in her belly in the first place?  The Daddy put them in there.  How?  He just stuffed them in.  Oh God!  I remember explicitly telling people at my baby shower that I would never tell my kids about storks and other such fables to describe a very natural process, but in my defense I assumed that we wouldn’t be having the discussion until they were much older and I assumed I’d be more mature by then J.  I didn’t think they’d look at my pregnant friend and ask at 3-years old.  Nor did I think my pregnant friend would giggle and stare at me along with her kids and my kids awaiting my explanation.  I owe her one...

As it turns out I am remarkably squeamish as it relates to talking about physicality with my kids.  I anguished all week and twice I cancelled doing this blog and moving on to the next topic with the kids this week.  But here we go…

This week I am introducing my kids to the concept of privacy – potty privacy, body privacy, and personal possession privacy.  In the spirit of privacy there will be no cute kid pictures today.

     1.   Potty Privacy

I still think of my kids as babies and as such I haven’t really processed that they are growing up and are already asking for some privacy.  When the girls use the potty they frequently ask for “some privacy please” at which point I close the door and leave until they come out or call for me.  I’m so used to having to help them, but both girls have actually been potty trained for quite a while now and don’t need my help anymore. 

This week I explain to the girls that we should have privacy on the potty all the time.  This will be the hardest on me because the primary reason that I am in there and/or the door is open while they use the bathroom is to stop them from pulling all of the toilet paper off of the roll or playing in the sink and soaking everything as they wash their hands.  I tell the girls that this is a big step because it means that Mommy trusts you to go potty, wipe, flush, and wash your hands all by yourself without playing around in the bathroom.  I further explain that trust is earned so if I catch them playing in the sink or doing anything else that they are not supposed to be doing in the bathroom, they will lose their potty privacy privileges.  On the plus side the girls have reciprocally given me potty privacy as well.  Yeah!

Of course, Briana asks me why.  I try to look nonchalant while I tell her that our girl bits and our boobas are private and that no one but us should see them.  I should have taken the opportunity to use the real words, I know, but there’s plenty of time for that.  I then tell her that I have a good little song about that…

     2.   Body Privacy

“Stop! Don't touch me there.

This is my private square.”

I teach the kids the song and accompanying dance – sticking my hand out for the first line and making a box from my shoulders to my knees for the second line.  I tell them that this means that everything in your private square should stay covered up in clothes and should not be touched except in hugs and baths.  I add the last part because I don’t want to make the kids paranoid about hugging their friends, nor do I want to make them more difficult during bath time, which is already an ordeal at our house.  As I think about it, Briana does have a friend who always asks permission to hug Briana.  I’d never thought about it before, but I think that’s a good idea now.  So I add, “When you want to hug your friends you should ask them first before you touch them.  They should ask you too before they touch you.  If you don’t want to be touched right then, it is ok to say no.”. 

Abby tells me.  “That’s not right, Mommy.  It’s ‘posed to be ‘Stop!  Don’t touch my body.’  That’s what they tell them at school.  I’d forgotten that school teaches them not to touch each other without permission.  All of that worrying was for nothing.  The kids liked the cheer/song and we all did it multiple times over the next few days, but they had no further questions. 

Although I should have been relieved not to get questions that I didn’t want to answer, this was a big wake up call for me that I need to stay on top of presenting information to my kids.  I don’t want to have the first birds and the bees talk with my girls only to find out that school or their friends has already taught them something!

I do try to ask the kids if I can have a hug or a kiss.  If they say no, sometimes I don’t and sometimes I say, “Mommy is going to kiss you up anyway.” And I grab the kids up and kiss them.  Apparently this is a violation of the kids’ personal privacy – and in fact the exact example used on one of the medical websites that I consulted on how to teach toddlers about body privacy.  I was told by the site that my modeling respecting their requests and their ownership of their body would show them that I value them as separate human beings and it would also reinforce to them that they are in control of their bodies and personal spaces.  From now on, I will not grab them up for kisses if they say no.  I also will try to knock on their doors instead of barging in and I tell them to do the same when they come into my room.

One more thing that I’ll add here that I did not choose to tell my kids but pretty much every site I read said was a good thing to tell toddlers is that only you can touch your private parts but that you need to do it in the privacy of your room when you are alone.  It’s probably pretty obvious why I didn’t tell my kids that – no need to introduce a new concept!  When and if we get there though, that’s what I’ll tell them.

Whew!  Done with talking about body privacy, and it really wasn’t that big a deal, nor did it lead the kids to drill me with questions until we got to how babies are made.  I really can’t imagine now why I thought that it would.

     3.   Personal Possession Privacy

Kids also need to learn that they have the right to decide what happens with their own possessions.  I don’t enforce this much in the house because I don’t want the kids fighting over whose toys are whose.  The girls regularly share clothes at this point (Bree wears Abby’s dresses with leggings as tunics and Abby loves any chance that she gets to dress in Briana’s things, even if she’s swimming in them) and the hair accessories have moved rooms so many times that in most cases I don’t remember who first owned any given headband or hair bow.  They don’t see anything wrong with sharing everything (other than a few favorite items) and usually that’s great.  The one area that I need to enforce it is with underwear.  Recently I’ve seen them saying “Here Abby, you can wear my Tinkerbell panties today because they match your Tinkerbell shirt.”  I simply say, “No, Abby can’t wear your panties.  She has her own.”

This week I tell the kids that they have the right to control their possessions if they choose to do so.  That means that if you don’t want Mommy or your sister to play with your toys or read your book or anything else, you can tell them that.  It is, however, best to share your things if you are not using them.  The kids shrugged and nothing much changed in the house as it relates to the kids personal property.

***

While I spent the better part of this week cursing my friend and wishing that I’d never heard of this song or thought to teach the kids about body privacy, I actually think that this was a good, age appropriate starting discussion that hopefully this has set the stage for open and honest discussions with the kids when the time, and the dreaded questions, arise.

<3 Pedigreed Housewife